2019, the year of living in the moment and when will I be happy with myself?

If there’s one thing 2018 taught me it’s that I’m way too critical of myself. Skimming over the finer details, criticising the way I said that; how I looked then. I’m my own worst enemy. I almost didn’t write this post due to the fact it’s now the 4th January and most others posted their 2019 resolutions or goals on the 1st. Great, I’m three days late, who in the world wants to read something that’s three days late?? The problem is, that this post isn’t late, it’s just the tiny voice (without sounding crazy) in my head criticising myself for not thinking about creating this earlier and then said voice, compares myself or my work to everyone else. Everyone has this voice, I know I’m not the only person in the world to be critical of themselves its just, mines getting a little too loud you know?

When will I be happy with myself?

Without sounding cliché I want to be more accepting of myself in 2019. There are some incredible things I’ve accomplished in my life which I’d love to share with you all when I can find the right way for me to present it. I need to become more accustomed to trial and error; half the things I want to do I haven’t done before, I need to stop expecting it to be perfect the first time around.

It’s healthy to reflect from time to time but when you end up stopping yourself from doing things because you’re already anticipating a backlash or, maybe you don’t think it’ll be received in the way you want. For me, I feel I’m at the stage where my over-critical approach to things I do is becoming unhealthy. I’m demotivating myself before I even try the idea.

In the never-ending world that is social media, it’s easy to gain a false sense of security from strangers who say that you look pretty. When a post does well on Instagram it makes you feel great. Good engagement can lead to brand collaborations, more followers etc etc. Not that I focus on numbers but when you’re trying to build a brand, they matter. And then the forever changing algorithm kicks in and your engagement halves. I can’t help but blame myself for low engagement when actually, 90% of the time I log onto Facebook and find that other bloggers in groups I follow are exeriencing the exact same issue.

I always feel that it’s sort of taboo to speak about yourself in an overly-positive manner. I worry if I shout about my accomplishments people will think I’m self-centred and full of myself but, shouldn’t we be allowed to be happy for ourselves? As my all-time role model Ru Paul would say, ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gunna love someone else?’ It’s about time I start giving myself some credit.

Living in the moment

If I had £1 for every time someone has told me ‘enjoy being 20 while it lasts’ I probably wouldn’t have to think too hard about purchasing that overpriced sandwich from Pret.

The question is, am I actually enjoying my 20’s? Sure, I’ve had some really good days but I’m way too focused on where I think I should be in 5 years time which is affecting me truly enjoying everything that’s happening now.

I’m constantly looking and trying to work out what my next steps should be, Whether that’s work-related, career goals, relationships; I’m always wanting what feels like six months in advance when really, why aren’t I enjoying right now? I’ve moved to London and I was lucky enough to land an incredible job opportunity. As far as responsibilities go I don’t have that many.

I’m not saying I’m going to stop considering my long-term plans but my aim is to not be as heavily focused on them and really try and enjoy what’s happening right now. For me, 2018 went so quickly and I feel that I spent so much time trying to map out my long-term plan when really I wish I’d enjoyed what I was doing at the time. I’ve worked in three jobs (which is a lot for one year) and took a big leap by moving down to London with Ben which are all incredible steps towards the future I hope to have (even if I haven’t worked it out yet). There are so many people who didn’t decide on their career paths until they were in their 30’s so, I feel like I have a little more time to enjoy right now.

With love, Angel x

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